And so the madness comes to stay

In our home, every year, in the same way.

And the first Advent Sunday fills up fast

As it did in every Christmas past.

Not with happiness or lists and elation

But hopelessness and grief and fear.

Nothing has changed, but Christmas suddenly feels near.

First there is Saint Nicholas, a high expectation.

But uncertainty and worry are palpable

when you hear the voices at maximum decibel

About cereal texture, loud chewing siblings, an itchy sock.

Once St Nick has gone, it’s the next block.

Why are loud carols in all shops a must?

And did you know they started selling the Grinch in August?

With no escape, no way to avoid friends and family asking,

Have you been good?

What do you think? no amount of masking

Will hide who I am and what I have missed,

And why should I start on a list?

I’d rather be the cause than get rejected

But my face smiles and head bobs, only shoulders hang, dejected

And my body is suddenly inept

With too many thumbs and feet out of step

Of course we love Christmas,

Best time of the year!

Fear?

No panic here,

That’s just the chocolate that-was.

It’s the best time, and I can’t wait!

Presents are not the most important, I accept my fate.

I know the meaning of Christmas,

A God who came for people on earth.

Proper people, not like me, but of welcomed birth.

It’s only the first day of Advent

And I’m exhausted and feeling alone.

My whole being is longing for what could be.

Not for Christmas or the Baby or Life for free

But for love and belonging and being at rest

Without these challenges and quests.

This year, I might accept when I am held tight and seen as special.

Maybe this Advent Sunday is the start of Hope Eternal.